This Christmas is a Knitting Fail. It appears I will have zero knitted gifts to give to my family. I have numerous projects on various needles, but the schedule of the past month has not allowed any consistent knitting time. I miss it. I feel less productive.
No one is judging me; not even me, really. I'm just sad that it's been several months since I finished a project. Knitting, reading and writing poetry have all dwindled to nearly nothing this fall.
Two things have been different in my life, alongside one thing that isn't about me. First, I've been in the fall season of a job in a very busy church. Second, I became more active on Twitter, both tweeting and following. I can't give up one, but I think I had better try giving up the other and see if it makes a difference. I'm concerned that reading tiny little messages off and on all day is making me unable to concentrate on things that are longer.
I understand why people like Twitter; there's a sense of instant connection and ready community. But I miss the old days when people read each other's blogs and left comments and used this medium for self-expression. I miss the long, long threads of comments, not so much at my blog, necessarily. I miss the friends who aren't sharing stories of their lives the way they used to do, even though in some cases I know they have good reasons not to write them for the world to see.
But maybe this was never a good place to go deeper, anyway. We have hidden, bloggers, behind pseudonyms, to protect ourselves when we criticize or complain or cry out in pain. I've been only semi-disguised for a long time, and that means I can't use blogging as a therapeutic tool.
I suppose it's not strange that I am out on the internet seeking relationship and wishing it could have depth. I'm married to a man who is away half the year for work; two of my three children are away from home, one of them grown; I've spent the last four Christmases in four different churches and have no rootedness in any faith community; as an interim minister I'm required to break connection when I leave them.
If I had to put a prayer into 140 characters or less, I guess I would say:
God, I'm tired of being disconnected. Please let me find a place to stay and people to love. I promise to be fierce and fabulous for Jesus.