A-Croc-Alypse Now, I Sing the Body Electric, Rheumatoid Arthritis

For I Have Sinned

Bless me, Weight Watchers, for I have sinned. It has been three months since my last meeting. While taking prednisone and coping with the various side effects, I attended a meeting after a good week of counting points, but instead of finding the meeting encouraging–although I'm sure it was, really–I found I could not bring myself to follow the point-tracking, mostly because I felt ill unless I ate at certain times and just could not make the whole program work in my typical perfectionist style.

This week I noticed my scale was under the radiator. Not a good sign. After putting so much effort into taking better care of myself, I had given up on doing anything but taking my Rheumatoid Arthritis meds. Getting to my goal weight just felt impossible. And frankly, my lowest weight came in May, at a moment when I was so ill I didn't care about what I was eating and hadn't been counting or tracking and lost weight because I was ill.

I have to say, this is my first time ever having an illness that potentially causes weight *loss.* But naturally the medication took me in the other direction.

My Saturday morning routine for almost a year was not eating a blessed thing until after I weighed in and sat through my meeting. At the moment, with a dish full of pills to take, and not on an empty stomach, that seems like a pretty distant goal, too. But as I've been listening to the economic news and considering what it takes to get the financial house in order, it occured to me that I might feel a bit better if I started tracking both my checkbook and my food intake more carefully.

It's the Weight Watchers secret: Tracking Works. If you have to write it down, you may well choose better. 1/2 a teaspoon of butter on my oatmeal, measured, is half a point. A knife's worth, who knows?

I can't quite bring myself to go to the meeting this week, but I did start the day by moving the Weight Watchers online link back to my toolbar from a Favorites file, and signing in, and tracking my breakfast. I measured everything. I had brown sugar and butter on my oatmeal, for a total of 1 point. I ate a banana.

Some of my stand-bys of weight loss may not work for me now. Salad doesn't always agree with me due to some of the medicine I'm taking, but I'm going to give it a try again.

It feels risky to put this out to the Internets, because I know tomorrow is the Harvest Dinner at church, and I will be facing a point-related challenge in 27 hours! I know how many times I've said, this is it! I'm taking better care of myself! But I am writing in hopes of encouraging myself to stick with it, to take control of something I can control at a time when so much is beyond me. And I share it with you because so many of you encouraged me in Round One. I have 11 pounds to lose to get to what I weighed at the meeting three months ago. That's my first goal.

And maybe next week I'll go to the meeting. We'll see.

20 thoughts on “For I Have Sinned”

  1. As one of the few persons who has ever gained weight on chemo, I know how hard it is to try to lose weight, especially when you feel like sh–, well you know what I mean. You have my sympathy. I’m so happy I’m no longer taking steroids. I hope the day will come when you don’t have to take them any more.
    I read somewhere that dieting just doesn’t work. It’s more important to eat a good diet (not in the DIET sense) than to try to diet. So, that’s what I’ve been trying. Not that I’m losing weight.
    I hope you have a good day today, with lots of brown sugar on your oatmeal.

  2. I can only echo the gaining weight on chemo thoughts. That’s just wrong.
    I suspect you live within the realm of a similar Law of the Universe that I have experienced – the one that says I’m not allowed to be both thin as well as healthy and happy.
    I lost plenty of weight over the last year, but it came at a huge cost in pain and suffering. Now I’m feeling better, and sure enough, it’s coming back.
    That particular Law of the Universe sucks.
    Enjoy that harvest dinner Songbird – you deserve it.

  3. Today is the day I’m getting back on track too (not weight watchers but similar healthy eating/living behaviors). I know what you mean about the “risk” of putting it out there on the internet. But otoh, you’ll have lots of folks supporting you.
    Keep in mind it took 3 months to gain those 11 lbs…don’t get discouraged if they don’t drop off immediately. Like me (I have insulin-dependent diabetes), you’re in this for the long haul.
    It’s not the sin of what you ate that brings us down but the guilt that eats us up. Get to a meeting soon to receive absolution:-)

  4. I agree with chartreuseova… I would like you not to put this in the realm of “sin”! I know you’re being funny… gotta laugh or you might cry, right? Be gentle with yourself. This is such an enormous life change, and each little domino topples over another little domino. You might need time to understand how they all fit together. You are my hero. Be gentle with yourself.
    Pax, C.

  5. If there is a dietary handbasket to hell, scooch over make room for me. Lots of room.
    Someday I’m going to have to name that horse I keep climbing back on…

  6. For me, weight and depression are almost the same thing. If my depression is active, I reach for food as a drug, so I need to focus on holding the line. But my primary goal is staying above the depression and losing weight itself depresses my system, so trying too actively to lose can backfire on me.
    Which is all to say, I think weight loss is really an intricate dance with everything else happening in your life, and I want to echo what others have said about being gentle with yourself. Managing the RA needed to be your focus.

  7. This is such a complicated issue for so many of us. I had a past period of borderline anorexia, so when I track food, the old messages start to creep back: My needs don’t matter. I don’t deserve to eat. So i try to eat healthy, not overindulge, and exercise a lot. Your issues are different, but I echo all those who urged you to be gentle with yourself.

  8. I love your opening line. 🙂 It’s a difficult issue and I wish I had words of wisdom, but I don’t. 🙁 Take good care of yourself.

  9. S., there’s no question I’ve been self-medicating that way. I know this is going to be challenging. Of course, managing my weight and trying to get to and stay at a lower weight will be a kindness to my joints, too. But that’s easier to say to someone who doesn’t have lifelong food issues…and you probably wouldn’t need to say that to one of those people anyway!

  10. Hugs to you. Continue to take good care of yourself, and be gentle with yourself as well.

  11. blessings as you seek to re-engage.
    your break makes a lot of sense and re-engaging does too.
    may it all bear fruit.

  12. A good reminder that tracking indeed works. I made it to goal and lifetime…and then gave up on the tracking. Welcome back 7 lbs, I didn’t miss ya. Funny how those BLT’s catch up with you (bites, licks and tastes). I’m going to get my tracker out RIGHT NOW and get back on board. You inspired me.

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