Discernment, The Inner Landscape

Last Night I Dreamed

Last night I dreamed of being pregnant.

The setting: a hospital.

The pregnancy: advanced.

The outlook: mixed.

I had a sense of being too old for what lay ahead, while at the same time excited by the prospect of new life.

A colleague I admire, who is probably ten years my senior, was also in the dream, also extremely pregnant. I recognized her pregnancy first, only caught on to mine when the baby kicked me.

I realized I was very close to delivering and began looking for a nurse, to try and get some assistance. I passed a ward of young women in labor, and then a ward of grey-haired women receiving some other sort of treatment and realized I did not belong with either, neither a likely new mother nor an impossibility.

I do find myself in a strange middle place in my life. I recognize that the bulk of my parenting time is over. I feel some freedom in considering what might come next in my career, but I also feel the responsibility of two remaining college educations (plus one final semester for #1 Son). I fantasize about living in a smaller house with more land, and then I feel a pang for even considering leaving the place my children and I have lived longest in any of our lives.

I ponder an exciting possibility for ministry that would be a step away from the conventional track, and I wonder if I don’t owe it to my family to do what will support them most securely?

This is the midlife wilderness of the modern mother, pregnant with her own life but a bit afraid to give it birth.

(Painting by Cindy Sherman.)

15 thoughts on “Last Night I Dreamed”

  1. “This is the midlife wilderness of the modern mother, pregnant with her own life but a bit afraid to give it birth.”
    You write for so many of us with those words, Songbird…but I know that whatever happens you will produce something beautiful.

  2. That last sentence speaks about so much, doesn’t it? I have a paperweight here on the desk that says, “What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail?” The possibilities are endless really. We just have to let that labor start and give our dreams life. Love and hugs to you.

  3. …and I had a dream last night of delivering someone else’s baby! I haven’t gotten my thoughts around it enough yet to blog, but I see that coming. How wild, Songbird! I love this reflection from you.

  4. thanks…love this post, and thoughts. My pregnancy dreams have come at very significant times in my life….peace, blessing, and wonder to you.

  5. What a wonderful post….years ago when I was going through a lot of stuff, I used to dream that I was pregnant but the baby always quit moving….my therapist helped me realize that the baby was the new me that I was afraid to give birth to.
    I wish you the best in your discerning and birthing.

  6. Wow. That’s a loaded dream. It sounds like something that requires Starbucks. My treat. Just call.

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