Today I went for my annual physical. Please don’t laugh when I say "annual," even though you may have heard me say it’s been considerably more than a year since I had a check-up of a general nature. But as promised in a post not too long ago, I went.
One of the reasons I avoid going to the doctor for this kind of regularly scheduled maintenance is a dread of the scale and any discussions about my weight. It’s been a long time since I undertook any sort of serious efforts in that area, anything that lasted longer than a month or had any formal structure. I knew there would be no avoiding it today.
The doctor is new to me, our new family practice physician, and I liked the way she talked to The Princess at her appointment last month. I told her both how concerned I felt about my overall condition and how anxious I felt about discussing it. She spoke kindly to me and made some suggestions, which I am mulling over this afternoon.
Meanwhile, I went out walking early this morning with Pure Luck, and I am drinking water.
This post doesn’t seem to reflect the emotional roiling that goes on beneath the surface when it comes to the body. I brought home bagel sandwiches from our favorite local place, in honor of #1 Son’s return home. When Molly ate his (naughty girl!), I insisted he take mine and started to cry. The sense that I am responsible for everyone and no one is responsible for me eats a hole in my gut. The idea that I ought to be punished for being less than perfect while not judging others constricts my voice. The notion that I am unlovable opens caverns one upon the other, each leading further and further toward an abyss, and the manner in which I have filled those caverns and tried to keep my balance on the edge of destruction only magnifies how deep and difficult to heal a person’s wounds may be.
At 46, locks shorn, I look at a different person in the mirror, a person whose work now seems to be rectifying past behaviors in order to fend off illness and death. It’s funny, just the other day I felt positively youthful. Why is that the perception so easy to change, when the others resist amendment?