Food and Drink

The Unlovely Bones

(This post is rated PVG, for Potential Vegan/Vegetarian Grossout. Non meat-eaters strongly cautioned.)

I had a brilliant idea.
Since we weren’t cooking Thanksgiving dinner here, and would have no meaningful (i.e. turkey) leftovers, I would go to the store and buy one of the sure-to-be-unpurchased fresh turkeys and cook it today.
I went to the store.
I asked for the fresh turkeys.
I was directed to the chicken case.
There were two.
Both appeared to be, let’s just say, FROZEN!!!
I asked the nice gal who was rearranging packages of chicken breasts, “Aren’t these supposed to be fresh?
She nodded. “They just came off the truck this morning.”
“They seem to be covered with, oh, ice!”
“Well, they keep the truck pretty cold.”

I brought one home anyway and gave it a tepid bath. Eventually I was able to liberate the bag of giblets from the neck cavity.
The neckbone, however, will not come out. It doesn’t seem to have been cut.

While I was wrestling with the unrepentant neckbone, Pure Luck came in from walking the dogs, looking rather, well, displeased.
“What’s wrong?” I asked cheerfully, despite having my hand inside a semi-frozen turkey.
“They were bad.”
“Both of them?” That’s a surprise. Molly is always naughty, but Sam is usually a good boy.
“Yes. First, Molly wanted to leave us and go meet some strangers. Then Sam ran off into the woods.”
“Did he find something awful?” (They have been known to discover deer carcasses. Bleh. And want to nosh on them. Double bleh.)

Pure Luck nodded gravely, then hesitated, like a person who is wondering whether to describe the terrible scene he’s witnessed. “Sam came running out of the woods with the foreleg of a deer in his mouth.”
“Then Molly tried to take it from him.”
Oh. Not a pretty sight.
“They proceeded to wrestle around trying to get it from each other. When we got to the car I had to take it away from Molly forcibly.”

He went into the bathroom to wash his hands. When he came out I asked, “Did you use soap?”
He went back into the bathroom.

To conclude:
The neckbone is in the turkey.
The turkey is in the oven.
The dogs are in the yard.
The legbone is still in the woods.

10 thoughts on “The Unlovely Bones”

  1. Our cats brought home a whole dead turkey once, dragging it. It hink it had been shot by a hunter and gotten away.
    My mother just dropped off turkey soup for my boys (who aren’t vegetarians) and as we were eating lunch, I mentioned innocently that she made it by boiling the turkey carcass. For some reason, this horrifed them. Where did they think turkey soup came from?

  2. That’s funny, jo(e)! We can be so innocent in this modern world. And of course they probably haven’t seen you cooking one.
    I was wondering why the deer was left behind, but Pure Luck tells me that hunters take the parts they want and leave the rest. Yuck.

  3. Turkey used to be my favorite meat, and I’ve sometimes considered partaking on Thanksgiving. One year, just as I was about to suggest it, a whole FLOCK of wild turkeys marched into my parents’ backyard and looked at me balefully.
    Well. I had more room for the pumpkin pie.

  4. To be honest, I laughed when I got to the “did you use soap?”. Actually I was chuckling a bit at the dogs wrestling over the foreleg…
    The dog we had when I was young had a real talent for finding dead fish along the lakeshore–which he would then roll in. I think carrying a leg is better by far.

  5. Pure Luck is correct– and not. Hunters, as with any other breed of humanity, come in different models– many conscientious, some not so.
    The hunters I know (several– our family is full of them, on both sides) “field dress” a deer before bringing it home. I will spare you the details, other than to assure you that is does not include butchering in the wild and leaving parts behind like you describe. Someone who did so would be met with derison, if not… loudly and vehemently corrected.
    I’m sorry that Sam and Molly encountered leftovers from such an idiot.

  6. Yukkkkk….but not as bad as an early experience of life iwth my in laws…I was newly pregnant with Darling Daughter,but not telling anyone (two miscarriages preceded her, so I was definitely not into counting my chickens before they were hatched) and feeling hideously sick morning, noon and night…We were at Andrew’s parents’ home for the weekend, and all eating lunch on the terrace peacefully when a neighbour appeared in the garden, white faced and shaking
    “I’ve just killed a deer…it ran out into the road, and I just couldn’t avoid it”
    As one, my in laws rose…they headed into the kitchen and emerged armed with various knives. At this point, I suddenly realised what was about to happen, and made for the bottom of the garden at top speed,- but even there I couldn’t actually pretend that I wasn’t aware that they were butchering the unfortunate deer, right there on the garden table where we’d been lunching moments before.
    Oddly enough, I never have been enthusiastic about venison!

  7. Well, I watched my mom do exactly what you’re describing to a turkey on Thanksgiving, and my vegetarian stomach and I survived intact :). Now the deer, well, that didn’t happen to me on Thanksgiving, but dogs–well, what can you do?

  8. Thanks for checking on me the last couple of days. There’s a funny in one of your comments on my blog. A typo leads to another blog with a songbird. I was looking at the links trying to figure out what kind of statement you were trying to make with “free porn” etc. and realized it wasn’t you. The blog section was a good essay on elder care in Singapore, though.

  9. Giggling! Love the conclusion. “God’s in his Heaven, all’s right with the world.”
    Brandon was horrified at the Mexican butcher shops. Very good for him to realize that meat doesn’t originate in yellow Styrofoam trays with Saran Wrap on it. 🙂

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