There’s something wonderful, if disorienting, about driving
up into the mountains, losing the cell phone signal, failing to connect to the
promised wireless at the hotel and just basically unplugging for a few days.
I had a realization, one which might seem obvious to the
rest of you, but which I needed to come to afresh. It occurred to me that I
have been much too interested in the logistics of career and future and
especially family and not really willing to ask God what God wants from me.
There has been too much deductive reasoning and noisemaking and dream-weaving,
and not nearly enough just listening. This was a great weekend for listening.
But of course when we come down from the mountain there is a
newsletter to write and a calendar to plan and crises to which to respond. Pure
Luck is away; that adds to alone time, theoretically, when one could be
listening, but it also adds a layer of complexity to the running of the
household. And I miss him, so I’m not at my best.
I always think of Peter and how he wanted to stay on the
mountain and avoid returning to everyday life. He wanted to go to work right
there, building shelter and waiting on the Lord and the Law and the Prophet.
But he had to head back, and he wasn’t supposed to tell his experience to
everyone he met.
Discernment is like that. It’s lonely. I don’t find the
voice in my head to be particularly trustworthy at the moment. (Lucky reverend
mother, hers is very useful.)
This week I’m thinking about who I can trust to help tease
out the real questions, not the superficial, or at least surface, ones. Maybe I
can finally get out of my own way; maybe I can let myself out of the birdcage
once and for all.